RECLAIMING OUR POWER
I’ve always considered myself an independent, empowered woman but recently, I’ve been realizing a whole new level of taking back my power. I’d like to share some insights in hopes that it might help others recognize their blind spots like I have recently.
Starting this online business has been a high speed onslaught of lessons around ego and power. We all have our version so I’ll be transparent about mine.
In my prior role as psychotherapist, I was considered the authority even though my clients were often the teachers for me. My philosophy has always been to lead people back to their own authority and power. This was a safe, noble position.
In a solo practice there was no one to challenge me or “push my buttons” except my clients, which happened rarely. I remained largely unknown to my clients, and served as a safe container for others to blossom. Being in this role has been enough for me, for a long time.
In my early years in the field, I worked extensively with racial minority groups and other marginalized groups in various non-profits and educational institutions. When I started a private psychotherapy practice, I took insurance and worked on EAP panels. I had a pretty diverse client population but I was working my ass off to make a living, and it didn’t seem sustainable. In more recent years of having a private pay practice, I’ve been in a bubble of mostly white privileged people. It was time to stretch and quit silently hiding.
My activist self was not satisfied. My creative artist self wasn’t getting enough attention either. I had settled into a comfortable, not unfulfilled exactly, but not fully fulfilled place. I grew increasingly drained but I didn’t know why. I had the ideal situation in my profession but something was missing. I got the most energy from doing the goddess circles I started 3 years ago, and group breathwork journeys. I was giving up my power by not following my desires because of a myriad of excuses. I followed my desires to a limited extent but wasn’t allowing myself to dream big enough, or take the necessary risks. Then, the tornado and COVID hit and 9 months later, here I am. It took many catalysts to awaken me to take action.
In my new role, I am not confined by having to be the authority although I’m calling myself a guide because I’ve attained a level of experience, mastery and wisdom. I’m relieved. I like that we’re all in this together. A leader and teacher in a non-hierarchical paradigm will be an interesting path to forge. So far, it’s been extremely humbling. I’ve hired assistance and received tons of help navigating technology after doing everything myself and having complete control. The asking is painful enough (even when I’m paying someone) and then I realized I had to define my needs, put them into words, get someone’s attention, and ask again. Painstaking, to say the least. I hired business coaches to help me because I had no idea how to harness, structure and execute my ideas. I had to figure out what resonated with me and what didn’t. This meant a lot of trial and error along with having to dig very deep to find the answers I needed within myself.
This led to a few key insights for me: No one can read my mind when it comes to the details of my needs and desires. I have to know what those are, figure out how to ask for them, and risk rejection or even worse for me, silence. Once I ask, the other person has their version of how they think I want it executed. I may have to go back and clarify, set boundaries, or risk further separation and discomfort when I’m already feeling like a burden for asking in the first place. I think I’ve been operating with only a fraction of my power actualized. Healthy ego is not collapsing with insecurity and self doubt, nor is it scrambling for approval or outside validation. I’m finding the balance with this process. When I’m most authentic and coming from my truth, the validation comes without trying.
This brings me back to power. There is no one taking care of me but me. There is no one who knows what I need and desire better than me. It is my birthright to use my power to manifest the life I desire and make an impact in the world. I’m not into controlling others but I like having control of myself. I actually like having help, being seen and known, even when I’m awkwardly stumbling around. It feels good to arrive here.
